anxieties

i am feeling so frightened today. never leaving always hiding. i am a freak hiding inside not just these four walls. but inside this one layer of skin. no one ever taught me how to live. maybe nobody knows. my mother only taught me how to die. there has not ever been a happy soul in my vicinity. i lived inside a russian novel and that is life. this is what i actually believed.
i watched this movie, i'm bad with titles. a man had no dreams, never knew what he wanted. kept in silence cause he had nothing to say. so he got a new identity while his other one died to the world. a fresh start. but it all became a mess again. he was trapped not inside a body but in a soul. so he went back to the place where they had surgically altered him. give me another one, another chance to start anew, he demanded. so they strapped him to a stretcher. and drilled a hole into his head.
there are no new beginnings. only a switch on the path you have been walking that you choose to alter. simply going down the road but looking at the branches of trees, instead of the decaying of leaves. a change in view.
i will go buy a tripod.

what was it? what is the mystery? she said give it back to me. don't take it away from me. did she mean, don't take him away from me? we had to find out. snuck into the hospital to search for a clue. and here it was. a diary. was it simply a story of boyfriend stealing? or was it more? does this kill someone? how can i convey the pain i felt?