fairytale antics

i've been taking self-portraits for a while now. but only recently i've taken it to the streets. and at first it was really awkward and i would hide in some unpeopled spot, making sure no one was watching. but i have become more bold of late. and when i get a puzzled look i gaze back and smile, most of the time. when the looks start to annoy me, i give them the evil eye instead.

so yesterday i went to the loire castle nearest to where i live, called chambord. and i went there with the intention of picturing myself in and around the castle walls. when i do this, i feel i am inside a movie, or a live story unfolding. i do act in my pictures and give my own directions. sometimes i think it might be easier if someone told me what to do, but there's that delay of understanding the directions, whereas in self-portraiture you follow your gut instincts. and with the digital age you can check the result right away and thus are able to alter things, light, position, stance accordingly.

at the castle i began feeling like a princess. i have always loved the days of knights and ladies, the magical towers and hidden passages. ooops, some sexual symbolism there... but anyway. i felt like dancing among the turrets, along the corridors lit by stain-glassed windows, and doing some crazy stunts on top of the railings. thankfully i learned the other day that i do suffer from vertigo so i did not get carried away. so i only put my dolls in precarious situations, not myself. oh yes, i had brought my dolls for props. and they had loads of fun there too.

i did receive the odd looks a lot, though it was a very slow day, with few people bothering my antics. but i wondered at these looks. one man kept saying "la folie" or madness, whenever he saw me, which is a sort of compliment for me. maybe he thought i was one of the crazy ghosts haunting this castle. another watched as i did one of my shots on top of the balcony and commented, so you go around the world taking pictures of yourself. i responded, pretty much! and laughed. i'm sure it wasn't meant in any mean-spirited way, but he couldn't hide his open bewilderment. for some reason, it is fine if your boyfriend is snapping your photo, or better yet, a professional photographer. then it is acceptable to go crazy in front of the camera. but when it is just you, this means you are narcissistic and quite mad.

the only friendly looks i received were from the construction workers. and not what you think, the cliché whistles or such. no, i think they appreciated the place and somehow understood my artistic endeavors, somehow trying to make myself part of its walls, living in this world through my photos. i might be all wrong about that, but it's the feeling i got when they gave me warm smiles. working there, chipping into its walls must have an effect on your soul, i'd imagine, the dust of the ages moving into your lungs and with it the many souls who have passed through its countless rooms.

another thing that troubles most i think is when a woman is out on her own, on top of posing for her own camera. i don't know why but it occurred to me later that she poses some sort of threat. i realized that i was the only lone woman there, and i might have seemed like i had escaped from my cage or something. and the added confusion was that i felt completely happy with myself, and was in no need of companionship. i had my dolls afterall. who also received some giggles and sneers from groups of young female tourists. well, most people just feel more secure inside a herd. for some reason this seems to make all their actions legit...

overall, i had a blast though. the off-season is the time to go to these places. and don't be a tourist. just be there.

i had a bizarre exit from there. the castle is seated inside this vast forest and right now, of course, the trees are painted in the most beautiful autumn colors. i really felt like inside a fairytale... when i drove out of these woods, though, i suddenly saw a giant nuclear reactor-type chimney blowing a big smokey cloud at the end of the row of trees that i had failed to notice on the way in. it was the other side of magic and just as surreal. the underbelly darkness of any fairytale. the bare and rotten reality.

we are all part of a dream.