i pray for love

and that i learn to love and be loved. i am going to germany this week. on the train again. try not to lose my button, my head, my mind. because my heart is here. can you travel without a heart? apparently so. the train ticket is in the box. i shall visit with my dad. he is feeling so down. his cancer keeps eating away at his body. his guilt is eating away at his soul. thinks that he has lived his life. so i shall hold his hand and soothe him. the wolf in sheep's clothing is a lamb within my reach.

i move in strange ways. sit still for long stretches, staring at the wall. then something compels me to move, far.

i am so much like him. don't feel it. so i go to extremes to feel again. i am so not like him. i can be happy.

such a shame

when a boy sends you the words of a band you love and that he hates only to tell you he loves you. that he is sorry. to ask you to come back to him. that means something. something that i cannot get out of my head. something that makes me endlessly sad to know that things are over. that things happen between people that cannot be undone. but that these are things that didn't have to happen. but for some reason they did. and for some reason they stick in your mind and in your heart much more than the good things that happen too.

i remember the time when we sat in the starbucks on state street. the new one. you know, the nice one. and coldplay was playing. did you hear it too? i remember the woman in her fifties still looking so very sexy in tight jeans and heels. but classy, you know? i already knew it was over then. and now the tears are welling up in my eyes. why is it so hard for me to accept my own decisions sometimes? love does not end.

i used to ask for love. not just ask, but go and get it. because i needed it. because everyone needs and deserves to be loved and to love. then i began to doubt this very truth. became unsure. i tortured you with my doubting. and you couldn't show me enough that you loved me. so you began to show me what i believed. that you didn't. but you did. and you do still. i didn't know this. i don't know anything, still.