the gift i kindly return to the heavens

i woke up so early again. with the pounding realization that nothing will be the same. that the wait is over. and i am afraid of this new beginning. maybe because i don't quite trust myself yet. i named this picture "the gift i was born with" which was sadness. when i arrived here my mother was in mourning for her father who had died during her pregnancy. she had almost lost me when he died. so i came to earth screaming. screaming for two years uninterruptedly and after that i kept waking from nightmares that scared me to bits so i would seek refuge in my mother's arms.
it is a family legacy. my greatgrandfather drank himself to death, or did he shoot himself in the head? or both, for better measure. grandfather too was a moper. mother loved to sit in the dark listening to bachian chorals. father has been saying that it's "almost over" for decades. but who says i cannot leave them to their destinies?
i was afraid i would always have to be sad. that this weight would just forever rest upon my shoulders. i traveled far to escape this weight but i took it with me where ever i went. after i took this picture i thought about it. that i really don't want this heaviness anymore. my escape mechanism had already set in again. i want to move back to france, i cried to my sister. when she asked me why, it was the lightness, i answered. here, everything is so difficult, so heavy ( in german it is the same word "schwer"). but it isn't the place that makes it heavy. it is up to me to let it go. where do i want it to go, she asked. up to heaven, i said, but it has to go in a rocket cause otherwise it will come crashing down on me again. i will thank it for all the good it has done for me. but that i am ready to be light. even in the place where it all began...
yet i want to distinguish between this heaviness and sadness. because while it is so painful to feel loss, i know that i wouldn't experience this if i hadn't also lived through extreme joy and happiness. i would never want to miss these memories. i never want to miss this in the future. feelings come and go, but love remains a constant. as does this heaviness. so one can decide to release these constants. love? never. but remember the book "the unbearable lightness of being"? heaviness becomes such a friend that lightness appears unbearable. we get used to the burdens we carry since childhood. worst are the ones that we are not even aware of. for me it has been fear. i have forever assumed that i was fearless. but my wish to care for others has been me running scared, a distraction from facing me and my demons. i am still looking for that place of safety in my mother's bed. a bed gone cold long ago. i need to begin feeling safe in my own bed, finding strength within myself. and begin to insist on being me.

no more

he said, it wasn't one day he woke up he knew he didn't love me like he used to
it was a gradual thing
he said he didn't tell his heart to stop loving me like it used to
it just happened

i ask you
how can i wake up one day and don't feel this pain
i ask you
how can i tell my heart to stop loving him like i do now

and there are no answers to these questions
and you go on like you used to cause you have to
but i beg of you
let the monsters in my chest burst it wide open

frogs frogs frogs

collecting his due

i don't know what it is about frogs that has enchanted me of late. it must have begun when i reread the fairy tale "the frog king" (der froschkönig) as an adult and was amazed how cruel the princess was. i was positively impressed by her candour and violent tendencies. she was driven by her intuition to throw the beast from her, not listening to her father who had forced him on her because of the promise she had made him after saving her ball from the well. it is a struggle we all undergo i guess, going against our father's wishes, just from our gut feeling. and when the princess follows her instinct and smashes the frog up against the wall, voila, there's her prince. she did it her way (oh, yes that song... i love it when elvis croons it) and her own truth is revealed.

princess bathroom

but frogs also represent that inevitable change we must undergo. from tadpole to croaker beneath the midsummer night moon. birth and rebirth. this is a painful process and most often feels like being smashed up against the wall, torn to bits, landing in a hovel, only to stand back up again a shiny new being. i have not yet found out why this is so, but the why's rarely get answered, do they.

frog poppy

but what has always enchanted me most about frogs is their song. they used to lull me gently to sleep when we were on holiday in the bavarian countryside. it had been hot and we went swimming all the days. and at night these more able swimmers sat on their lilly pads, croaking away. it was always a perfect finish to an adventurous day, full of green grass, cool water and warm air softness. they didn't need to change for me, instead they enchanted me and made a princess out of me...

now off to face the day.

ribbit.

xoxo

Etsy galore!

although i had been a member at etsy since january of this year, it took some time to get my shop up and going. first trouble was to get a credit card. i had sworn to never get another due to my happy spendings habit with the almighty plastic. but then etsy wanted one so i called my trusty bank and low and behold they gave me one. the next problem was my living accommodations which were up in the air for about three months. i was looking in the highs and lows of germany, first in cologne, then in hamburg and finally settled down in braunschweig, or brunswick for you english people. i understand the german language can be quite a tongue breaker (not simply twister!) so you had to accommodate to save your lovely tongues. brunswick, however, is also quite wonderful, but for the connaisseurs. you have to have the libra eye to avoid the ugly parts which are many and only see the beautiful which are few but dramatically in your face when you see it. i found a little flat in the perfect location, great to set up shop for a little soon to be famous artist (haha, i am being facetious of course, but my friend louise told me as a rooster i am bound to enter the glam world. in fact, i am long overdue! ;).

if you have been reading my blog here, you will notice that i am not too fond of telling it like it is, but rather the way i see it. this at times has often a quite dreamy filter and one can never tell, is this true, is this real, what is she trying to say? but bear with me, dear reader, through all the haze there is some truth to be found. it is for those of you who love to dream as well and love to experience the world rather than simply see it.


Parapluie - by marinkel

available at etsy

i first found etsy through artandghosts whom i still refer to as estrella or louise or tequillasnow. i love all of her names. and her art of course. we did a book together called "tapestries" and yes, KATHLEEN, you may order it now. i fixed the problem. it was odd, a paragraph was missing on page 22. if you have already purchased the book i am very sorry. the pdf transfer simply had swallowed up the bold part :

THus mother and daughter lose each other in the crowd, a bond forever severed, a wound never mended. She runs home and pulls out a pair of scissors from her chest of drawers. Spitting at her mirrored self, she cuts off her long flowing tresses, cutting gashes into her skull. On the chair sits a doll, naked without hair, a baby doll really.

-Here, dolly, you can have my hair. But don't you be wicked and wink at anyone, you will be in big trouble. But I don't care if you do. You are a wicked doll. I shall call you by an ugly name, Chione, the liar!

Then she cries and lays her head on the dresser, weeping until dusk releases the day. When her father returns the next day, she calls him uncle.
-I don't know him, I don't know anyone.
That night, she begins to sleep walk on top of the roof, barefoot beneath an angry moon. She submerges in the deep pools of its craters.

-from "tapestries" p. 21-22

if you care to own a copy you may order it here:
tapestries at lulu.com

so far i haven't had too much time to peruse etsy as much as i would like. but i have found a few treasures already. here they are:

bat by my lovely friend michelle aka silentcheesecake
flower cluster wool felt pin by pinksparrow (cause i have a definite weakness for all things felt!
and the absolute dreamy premiere by artandghosts

have a lovely weekend, dearies.

see you soon, here and everywhere in between

xoxo

lovesickness

lou's recipe for lovesickness relief #2
spoil oneself madly with creativity


lou's recipe for lovesickness relief #5
eat crumpets