l'amour serra loi

i am so indecisive. i am thinking of quitting myspace. not a grand decision to make, you say. but it is the place where all my heartache takes place. is where i found new love. is where i lost that love. now i go there every day. i know he does not read my messages. he has decided to cut me out of his life completely. was it all a dream? i want to leave, but it hurts to not even read him. but then it hurts to read him. he never writes to me. when it is over it is over. but for me it is not. the pain travels through my body. starts in my stomach every morning as if being punched. when i walk, my legs are wobbly. i dreamed of a house we were going to move into. but part of it had been through a fire. the walls were charcoaled. the part of our dream that fell to ashes. we lingered here for a while, assessed the damage. there is nothing much to do here but to tear it down. there were other parts that were healthy. are they enough to rebuild? it is my house after all and he just a part of my own soul. which part? the one that wants to leave. the part that wants to escape. the heaviness. or the lightness. i do not yet know. have not recognized it.

what is the need to share my thoughts with the world at large? my feelings? does it help me to purge myself of them or do i make them permanent? do i spread my heart out for all to see and to take a stab at? or have i found a relief by writing? i used to write just for myself. then i found a taste for sharing it. it feels as if this has connected me to a broader spectrum of emotions.
why do we blog? why ask why? my love said i write sappy poems. i shouldn't share them with the world. sappy poems about just one guy makes me seem obsessed. makes me look weak. i ask, what's wrong with seeming weak? he wouldn't choose to show his weakness to the world. is this true strength? or is it strength to give in to the tears? another view is that success is the best revenge. and i share this view. only the path to success is thorny and rocky. and i am finding my way like a little trickling line of water. right at the beginning where it leaves the earth and faces the sunlight, running blindly. for everyone to see. you have to come out to the surface unless you want to be an underground river that emerges fully flowing. perhaps that is not me. i will share the rocky parts as well as the grandure. i have begun this when i began posting my photographs. no more hiding i decided. and i understand that this makes the ones near me feel uncomfortable. perhaps they want to protect me. but when i relate to artists' work it is usually their heart-wrenched emotions. the joy and the pain equally. i mean who could sound more beautiful than elvis when he sings "always on my mind" if he hadn't felt what he sings?

today's french quote was

La vie d'un artiste, c'est son oeuvre.
The life of an artist is his work. --Jérôme Garcin

live in the now

just now i made the mistake of going back to some old posts i wrote here. oh nostalgia is a bitch when you're in the midst of trying to get over someone. you want to keep going back and back and remember and live in that moment of happiness forever. but time doesn't let you and there must be some reason for that. time keeps marching on. so as i am getting lost in these moments of reverie my kitten steps on the keyboard and the screen switches back to my most recent post. reminding me that there is work to be done. to have time march on past this too. so i can be open for new happy moments. the old ones just don't come back, do they.

and yet, there must be some use to these memories as well. to our ability to go back in time and recover what was beautiful. learning something about ourselves, our ability to love, to experience joy. again and again. that is why perhaps i want to go back. not to recover the past. but my inner strength i had through the love i felt. i want to recover that feeling of being content. because this feeling exists independent of an other. it is within us and we only think the other offers it to us as a gift. but it is really but a reassurance of what we are already given from the beginning.

finding my way blindly

i trust the only love that exists is blind. and you will only find it blindly. try this. walk with your eyes closed. you won't be able to for long. use a blindfold and have your hands tied behind your back. only when you cannot see a thing is when you will find her. it's what some call the seventh sense. or faith. or intuition. she is sitting on your prize. and you go on your fool's journey open hearted. on the way you may fall, get back up. you may scrape your knees. let them heal. but remain steadfast on your path. you may think there are switchbacks, crossroads. there are not. the only rule is when you cheat you go back to square one. or you may wander the wilderness for a long while. told you not to use your reason.


she may hand you the tools. like your heart. use it. a magic wand. don't abuse it. no striking her.


you will find her dancing to the beat of her own heart.