sweaters wear well in winter

sweaters wear well in winter
Originally uploaded by marinkel.

i just came across this photo again when i opened my story that i need to finish. for some reason i felt this illustrated my little tale though it is about a young girl and her wicked doll. and i got the feeling that i really haven't done anything better than this picture since. and maybe it's not even anyone's favorite or you don't think it's at all good, but to me it expresses everything that i am. and then i read the caption and i remembered how i had quit my blog so not to hurt someone's feelings and i was feeling a little lost without it. so i began posting more and more on flickr. it's strange how one can get nostalgic for some not so distant time when i do remember i wasn't all that happy then. but the sadness fades and the picture remains. a pretty black and white. a loungy woman in a cozy sweater in a little appartment, not knowing what awaits her. if only i could have that nostalgia for this very moment, i wouldn't need to pine for it in a few months. love this very second as if it were a year from now. what is so wondrous about the past anyway? things weren't any better then.

but what remains is this photograph. and my feeling of having lost something. what am i worried about? someone always returns it to me. whatever i lose, i cannot leave it behind. something always reminds me.

struggle

i am struggling struggling struggling! i am trying to write the best summary ever of one of my stories, cause i want to submit it to win a fellowship. for now i still don't know which one to submit. nor can i find the words to crystallize the meaning of it. that's why i ain't no journalist. i think that was one of the criticism to english teachers, that they don't teach their students to summarize well. how to express what you are trying to say in less than fivehundred words that contain all the vital points? the other part is how to choose 2,500 words out of either 13,000 or 10,000 respectively that will just win the jury over? how to maintain the faith in your own words that no matter what you say it will win the jury over? cause i actually have moments such as these... when the little drip drip drops of desperation don't hit the tip of my forehead and make me run cold all over. when i forget for a moment that i had the nastiest of fights with someone near to me who holds so much of my life in her hand and who chooses to squeeze tight and wring me out, drip drip drops of blood. meanwhile i am not backing down. because what is your blood worth when it contains no substance? is it not better to starve a wolf in the wild than barely subsist on a chained dog's salary? or is it but an illusion to ever be like the wild wolf?

i just need those fivehundred moments of clarity. i shall gather them drop by drop in the bath my lover made for me. i gather all the drops of love i receive from all my lovers. cause every single word of love is a lover to me. drip drip til it starts to pour. kiss me. muse.