the wisdom of the renard is that "tu deviens responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoise." you are forever responsible for the one you've tamed. and in my heart i always knew this. no matter what everybody said. "you are only responsible for yourself" or "everyone's responsible for their own happiness"... nice comforting words to absolve me from my sins. they are not sins, i know. and by staying i made no one happy. and still, i am responsible for the ones i have tamed. for always. and so i will not shy away from thinking of him and worrying about him and letting him know that i love him. there are many roads all connected. i am not going in one direction and all is burning and in ruins behind me. i am going in a maze and i am not lost in it. i know the places i have been to and i can revisit them. they are all there in my mindmap. heartroads. soulpaths.
i am in love with a boy. he is a musician. his hair glows red in the evening sun. he is quiet. his hands love the soil. he only owns one pair of black boots. this world tires him so easily. but this boy keeps changing. where he used to reject my feminitity he now embraces it with his gentle fingers. where i used to reject my femininity i am now offering it to him freely. where he used to throw all the old things away, he now is the keeper of them. he holds onto them like treasures. because they are, treasures i mean. i am getting to know this boy more and more... maybe some day i will understand that he loves me.
i have found that i have run out of places to hide. and one part of me has been busy exposing what the other one has been so busy trying to cover up. i have created secret blogs to show all my intimate things. and still i am lying to you now. as i am lying to myself. there is always a more secret blog. in none can i completely lay it all bare. it is to protect the one. to spare the other. but really, it seems that the artist always exposes not herself but the crimes committed by the others. and the others then do everything in their power to pave it over. hide it in their closet. ridicule it, neglect and reject it.
i am confused about the matter of trusting anyone. trust yourself only, but then it's all the other people's words inside my head. have they moved into my belly space as well? i have fear of trusting cause i can read in their plots their own agendas. but then they all play into each other, these plots and agendas, don't they. it's not like anyone is plotting my demise and if so, i still have my will to counteract their schemes. or use them to my advantage. if it makes her happy that i have lost house and home, what does it matter to me? my greatest fear lately has been that i have fallen victim to her mind games. her unhappiness and need to control had planted little threads in my already lacerated heart. there might have been other options. but i chose these. i am afraid that i chose them because of her. but then she expected me to stick around close enough for more control which i did not. and still i am under her thumb. i believe everything she says. she knew i would not confront father on these issues. it is my paranoia talking to you now. if i am speaking in riddles it's because i am trying to hide things. there is not an open book for me. except my private one that i will send off to some publisher in new york city or london town. will this be my only chance at saying it all without holding back?
my father was too weak. my sister was too strong. a fatal combination honing in on my naivite. and i am refusing to let jealousy destroy me.
