les mots perdus

.Mother's Heaven

2009-01-21T17:50:00.001+01:00

.Mother's HeavenOriginally uploaded by SmallRaffaelai need to see her. i have dreamed of this moment for a long time. is it in the name? i need not climb the tip of her, only be in her presence. i do not conquer, i bathe in beauty...

memory of an instant

2008-11-05T21:15:00.001+01:00

/Originally uploaded by copyright depuis 1965this phrase defines a whole world to me, like so many things happen in an instant and they change your life forever. they stay with you, in your visions, in your dreams, in your encounters with people. they flash before your eyes, sometimes seemingly meaningless and yet why this one and not another. and you begin to love them, they make you you. they

city of memories

2008-06-15T22:21:00.004+02:00

you predicted, with that grin across your face, that in three weeks time, i would be wandering this city thinking of you and how i sat here with you, or walked this way with you, or looked on with you, or laughed with you, drank til dawn with you, rode a taxi and kissed in the rain with you, while you would be long gone, smoking cigarettes with polish truck drivers, riding horses across distant

love never ending

2008-04-17T00:58:00.002+02:00

i am still lying on your bedreading dantewe made it through hellleafing through purgatorymust enter heaven nowi am still sitting on your grave by the seacollecting flowersyou offer me shellswe walk across the meadowmust now find back to the cari am still standing at the airportkissing you goodbyebuying cigaretteswatching the wavesmust now remember love is never ending

landscapes

2008-04-16T21:20:00.002+02:00

there is a beauty in love. at the beginning you hear the sounds of a music box. you walk across town as if on tiptoes, floating throwing smiles. i fell in love like this when i first moved to paris. all the darkness of the last summer had suddenly lifted from me. i couldn't explain it, but when i crossed the border between germany and france my heart rejoiced all the while wondering what a

sorry

2008-03-13T16:36:00.003+01:00

i approach it always from the wrong angle. the light always shines behind my back so that i throw my shadow upon you. then i want you to feel sad for me. i want your shadow to eclipse mine and we make sparkling darkness. glistening obsidian i saw once inside an ancient volcano in the desert. now all i have left are the purple beads you gave me for christmas. the dalmatian you promised me for our

you me

2008-03-12T16:01:00.003+01:00

it is a mask i weara happy maskone that won't allow you to see the real mei avoid heruntil the small hours of the nightwhen she wakes me upfrom waving goodbyestoo many of themwon't you stay just a while longeryou on the beachdidn't let me hold your handyou i scream the magic wordand you calm meyou are so much me

taste it

2008-03-02T00:05:00.005+01:00

how many lives have i lived already. i saw the old couple get chopped into pieces though i wasn't there. the assassin left on his mission and told me about it later and i could visualize the scene. then i find myself walking down the path back from the beach over and over again. i am sick of these scenes from my own head. sometimes i would like to switch heads with someone. i am sick of

The Blue Hour/What is Time?

2008-02-16T13:01:00.001+01:00

The Blue Hour/What is Time? Originally uploaded by magic fly paula so many photographs that tell exactly the things in my heart right at the moment. coincidental? who knows. these are timeless themes anyway. but right before my father died he sent a postcard to my sister from andalusia on which he writes how beautiful it is there and how he wishes he could stop time. time listened. just

sacrifice

2008-02-04T20:15:00.000+01:00

she cirlces the place, an open spot in the middle of the woods on the mountain; a boulder is placed in the middle as if made for this ritual. she is circling the big rock. ancient carvings tell a story of this ritual having been played before, where blood had flowed from sacrifice. but she is not out for blood, or is she? something between her fangs once belonged to a human body, an arm, the left

the crime

2008-01-07T15:01:00.000+01:00

i have to admit there is a fright in love. it is like falling but then there is no bottom. so you fall into pleasure into pain continuously.he murdered her in a million ways. he took her from her family, gave her a new name, a new identity. he penetrated her twice a day, splitting her insides. when she paid him compliments he would answer, "i already know." he murdered her insides, because he

baby

2007-12-20T16:36:00.000+01:00

i have an urge to write. my head full of fluff. i am tired of photographs. i want to say something. but what? i want to speak to the inside, shout down your hidden corridors where no one has been. you call everybody baby, but there's only one baby in your heart.frozen lakes. a snippit of your words left on my sleeve. the sun having less memory than we. is it possible. have we been here before?

the sigh

2007-11-11T20:20:00.000+01:00

the sigh the sighescapes me leaves mereturn to mesighi have given away how i feel todaysigh with wingsa castle in the winter windsblinds closed sunlight lost its powercalifornia sun through grated windowslong lost memoriesthe sigh escapes my lipsgoes on before me after me through youenters you and searchesyour breathwindy stairs to your ancient towerwe live here in a dream only made for one

touch

2007-11-11T16:52:00.001+01:00

i put my hand where your heart is and i loved how small it seemed. it was too loud to feel your heartbeat. the bass of the music overpowered the rythm of you. and yet i can sense it. it has the same flow. i don't know what else to say.

are you scared?

2007-11-07T12:05:00.000+01:00

i know why i usually fall for the artist type. you know. we like to idle away the hours, and go mad with work at the odd hours of the day. we don't function well with set schedules. we don't do well with having to do things all of the time. the idle time is vital for the time of creativity. some call it lazy. oh, laziness is so underrated. you think you are doing something when you watch tv? you

i cannot tell you

2007-11-04T17:03:00.000+01:00

i cannot tell youand you wouldn't wanna knowall of life is wrapped in rosesthat wilt too soongood girl bad girlshe says pulling petals from her lipsi have grown beyond good and evilway before reading nietzschean anticsso while the colors are fadinglet me burn a hole in your headunleash the gaze of night with half closed eyelidsyou were mine

ma vie sans toi

2007-09-30T20:34:00.001+02:00

ma vie sans toi - Originally uploaded by copyright depuis 1965 i have not updated this blog for a while now so i think it is time. there are now three blogs i write in and i don't really know why i write where but there are differences between them, depending on my mood or what i want to say. this post appears here partially because i wanted to blog this artist and that is the easiest path,

a short

2007-08-20T21:38:00.001+02:00

the past drags its feet behind me, it just tries to slow me down. i realize that art wasn't my fulfillment, it was a completion. all parts fit together in this puzzle called my life. a little bit of this, a little bit of that. at the center, love. and it wasn't a lie, but something happened that sucked the life out of it. we made mistakes and we didn't rectify them. and so it left, walked out the

faces

2007-08-05T11:34:00.000+02:00

i look at the picture of me when i was about one year old, next to my sister. she is holding my cheek, gently presssing her fingers into my soft cheek. it is as if she turns my face toward whatever comes from what's in front of us. and her face looks closed, a soul safe within. but my face is all open, my mouth, my eyes. and whatever will hurl its powers towards us, it will bounce off her but it

l'amour serra loi

2007-07-28T11:01:00.000+02:00

i am so indecisive. i am thinking of quitting myspace. not a grand decision to make, you say. but it is the place where all my heartache takes place. is where i found new love. is where i lost that love. now i go there every day. i know he does not read my messages. he has decided to cut me out of his life completely. was it all a dream? i want to leave, but it hurts to not even read him. but

live in the now

2007-07-10T08:01:00.000+02:00

just now i made the mistake of going back to some old posts i wrote here. oh nostalgia is a bitch when you're in the midst of trying to get over someone. you want to keep going back and back and remember and live in that moment of happiness forever. but time doesn't let you and there must be some reason for that. time keeps marching on. so as i am getting lost in these moments of reverie my

finding my way blindly

2007-07-09T23:32:00.001+02:00

i trust the only love that exists is blind. and you will only find it blindly. try this. walk with your eyes closed. you won't be able to for long. use a blindfold and have your hands tied behind your back. only when you cannot see a thing is when you will find her. it's what some call the seventh sense. or faith. or intuition. she is sitting on your prize. and you go on your fool's journey open

the gift i kindly return to the heavens

2007-06-26T12:32:00.001+02:00

i woke up so early again. with the pounding realization that nothing will be the same. that the wait is over. and i am afraid of this new beginning. maybe because i don't quite trust myself yet. i named this picture "the gift i was born with" which was sadness. when i arrived here my mother was in mourning for her father who had died during her pregnancy. she had almost lost me when he died. so i

no more

2007-06-21T14:18:00.000+02:00

he said, it wasn't one day he woke up he knew he didn't love me like he used toit was a gradual thinghe said he didn't tell his heart to stop loving me like it used toit just happenedi ask youhow can i wake up one day and don't feel this paini ask youhow can i tell my heart to stop loving him like i do nowand there are no answers to these questionsand you go on like you used to cause you have

frogs frogs frogs

2007-06-14T11:51:00.001+02:00

collecting his due i don't know what it is about frogs that has enchanted me of late. it must have begun when i reread the fairy tale "the frog king" (der froschkönig) as an adult and was amazed how cruel the princess was. i was positively impressed by her candour and violent

Etsy galore!

2007-06-08T12:37:00.000+02:00

although i had been a member at etsy since january of this year, it took some time to get my shop up and going. first trouble was to get a credit card. i had sworn to never get another due to my happy spendings habit with the almighty plastic. but then etsy wanted one so i called my trusty bank and low and behold they gave me one. the next problem was my living accommodations which were up in the

lovesickness

2007-06-02T18:32:00.001+02:00

lou's recipe for lovesickness relief #2spoil oneself madly with creativitylou's recipe for lovesickness relief #5eat crumpets

i've been had

2007-05-05T23:52:00.000+02:00

i mean, i've been tagged, by my dearest of all friends louise so of course i have to follow suit, cause i love sending this kind of information out into the world. actually my dad wonders sometimes what i do all the days on the internet. do you write into the void, he asked. i guess you can call it that... so on with it. i was given the choice to say seven or ten little known facts about myself.

i could live in a treehouse

2007-04-18T21:08:00.001+02:00

treesucka Originally uploaded by marinkel. i don't need much. i just need stories. i love to listen and talk less. my ears are tuned to the sounds of nature and these include human memories. i want to make pictures in the woods some more. right now the sun makes the most beautiful colors and shades through the sprouting foliage. i expect to be seen there again with a basket and some red

available now!!!

2007-03-29T12:04:00.001+02:00

available now!!! Originally uploaded by marinkel. that's where you can buy it, my very first self-published book! i had to wait for it for a while since at first i was too cheap to buy the express postage. that copy is still traveling across the atlantic somewhere. or maybe some custom's officer is enjoying a good read? hehe. but now i ordered it again via express and it looks lovely!

the kinky shoester

2007-02-16T21:58:00.000+01:00

one pair of boots has to take a lot from me. they have to walk everyday, and never do they get a break. because they are the only thing i will wear until they fall apart and it's time to buy a new pair. until then i will carry them back to the cobbler and make him fix them to the moment they really want to walk no more.before i left today to chase down a certain marsupilami, i told my cheri how

the castle

2007-02-14T11:57:00.000+01:00

i was going to blog about this recent trip i took right after i got back but then the very next day i had the most awful night and that just took the wind out of my sails. so now i got some wind back and will tell you just a little bit about it. cause i took close to 150 pictures, not all of which will be seen by the public of course, but still there is a row of photos waiting to be published! i

white stripes

2007-02-06T21:37:00.000+01:00

i apologize for the last post being so long. not that it's too long in itself, but i just received a terrible case of white striped blurry vision when i tried to read it all the way. i still have trouble seeing straight! something will have to be done about this, maybe tomorrow. today i already made a new banner, so i'm tired! :)xoxo

one stormy night

2007-02-05T12:49:00.000+01:00

nothing stirred outside. i was sleeping in my parents bed next to you but some inner demons must have tugged at my consciousness so i got out of bed over the boudoir table with all my little precious pins and necklaces and brushes. i smiled at their familiarity. the mirror told me i hadn't slept enough and the darkness outside confirmed it, yet inside the room the light had that sunday morning

earthen memories

2007-02-04T11:41:00.000+01:00

i'm scaredi want to stay in bedand claw my fingers into your sheetsthey will pull me out by the feetkicking and screamingeven if only the child insidei'm scaredto not feel your hand groping for mineand only the darknesscarressing and entering mewaiting in the far corner of my lonely roomwaiting there since 1969but i choose to be courageousto let my fingers design my destinyto focus not on the

sweaters wear well in winter

2007-01-13T00:36:00.001+01:00

sweaters wear well in winter Originally uploaded by marinkel. i just came across this photo again when i opened my story that i need to finish. for some reason i felt this illustrated my little tale though it is about a young girl and her wicked doll. and i got the feeling that i really haven't done anything better than this picture since. and maybe it's not even anyone's favorite or you

struggle

2007-01-12T15:05:00.000+01:00

i am struggling struggling struggling! i am trying to write the best summary ever of one of my stories, cause i want to submit it to win a fellowship. for now i still don't know which one to submit. nor can i find the words to crystallize the meaning of it. that's why i ain't no journalist. i think that was one of the criticism to english teachers, that they don't teach their students to

fairytale antics

2006-11-18T12:58:00.000+01:00

i've been taking self-portraits for a while now. but only recently i've taken it to the streets. and at first it was really awkward and i would hide in some unpeopled spot, making sure no one was watching. but i have become more bold of late. and when i get a puzzled look i gaze back and smile, most of the time. when the looks start to annoy me, i give them the evil eye instead.so yesterday i

i am a full-fledged deviant

2006-11-16T13:53:00.000+01:00

well, most of you already know this. but did you know about deviantart, the website? i joined them a few months ago, but only recently became a subscriber. and now i am happy to announce that thanks to this site i am able to make available my very own calendar! i have added a new pastie on the right side of my blog, so just follow the link of "santa's little helper"... this leads you directly to

time to vote!

2006-11-11T14:21:00.000+01:00

is it true that it is uncomfortable for people who know you to see you in a sexy pose on a photograph. or is it a silly thought? well, i hope it's not true and you go over and vote for my photograph i have submitted to jpg magazine in any case... i have submitted two other ones as well. so if you just follow the link to jpeg magazine on the right, it tells you the rest. thanks so much! :))

the skeleton

2006-11-05T09:50:00.000+01:00

i see her photograph among the million others. it flashes before my eyes over and over. first just a small part of it, her face or her face hiding behind massive blond hair. she is wearing a bright red sweater. then another one, this time it reveals where she is sitting, in a sort of trench on the side of my house, where the path leading to the apple orchard used to be. she is now turned around

apples.

2006-10-30T14:14:00.000+01:00

he comes toward me with a pistol swinging in his hand, casually down the side. when he lifts it to show me, i notice the large barrel of it, larger than i had ever seen. not that i have seen so many pistols in my life. i ask, what are you doing with this here? he screams heatedly, they told me he is here somewhere waiting for me with a loaded gun, so i thought i'd bring one to protect myself! i

van gogh romance

2006-10-20T22:39:00.000+02:00

What van Gogh painting most suits you?Wheat Field with Crows (July 1890)The perfect balance between the stormy sky and fertile field speaks volumes about the artist’s life, maybe even life in general. Click Here to Take This QuizBrought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

anxieties

2006-10-05T13:03:00.000+02:00

i am feeling so frightened today. never leaving always hiding. i am a freak hiding inside not just these four walls. but inside this one layer of skin. no one ever taught me how to live. maybe nobody knows. my mother only taught me how to die. there has not ever been a happy soul in my vicinity. i lived inside a russian novel and that is life. this is what i actually believed. i watched this

birth

2006-09-25T14:22:00.000+02:00

thinking of my mother on my birthday. inevitable. though i try to tiptoe around it, she gets me at the heart. and i try to create a conflict so as to get in touch with my true feelings, cause my mind won't let me otherwise. i don't need a picture of youto know youto remember youyou left me here standing aloneon this islandon the edge of the watersyou knew i couldn't cross to followyou hear me

mobile phone and skull

2006-09-20T09:32:00.000+02:00

three episodes

2006-09-19T13:03:00.000+02:00

i finally got to talk to him. we tried to find a quiet place walking the great courrefours of an ancient ciy. we sat down in a cafe, but i could not get comfortable, somehow the barstools were too close together and his face was too near for me to get a talking distance, a distance from where to look into his eyes. i had to wiggle my stool quite a few times until it was right. then he told me

magdalene

2006-09-15T14:51:00.000+02:00

where i am

2006-09-04T00:10:00.000+02:00

things going ontook a plane that was cancelledarrived two hours latesaid hello to a new dogforgot my camerawent for a walkwent to churchwent to schooland still no camerato freeze frame the moments passing me byit means i have to live another dayto capture them againbut the moss will not be greenthe summer sun will shine no longerthere will be icicles dangling from the treesi sat next to a

tomorrow

2006-08-25T11:57:00.000+02:00

I can never go back to the place I started from. All keeps going like a rushing train. Sometimes I even miss the exit sign and I keep going even further. Other times I get stuck in one station after dark and cannot find my way out of it. I run around in the underground corridors. I do not tell stories. My thoughts are my stories. I cannot invent a dialogue. It’s a monologue inside my head talking

pantheress

2006-08-13T11:47:00.000+02:00

.flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }.flickr-yourcomment { }.flickr-frame { text-align: left; padding: 3px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; } pantheress, originally uploaded by marinkel. i shot the pantheress myselfshe's on the loose in some foret en franceles flics are after her with their machine gunsfeeling the heat of big game huntbut i did the preemptive

crumbs and crumbling

2006-08-05T14:39:00.000+02:00

the fence came down. funny, i said. why? someone behind me asked. because it was a two thousand dollar fence, i answered. but it's much nicer this way. it was only paperthin anyway. so now they have invaded the other world. there was no stopping them after the fence came down. i found my dad underneath the neighbor's lemontrees. he said, they took the fence down so i could see further and talk to

bee gees singing of the lost

2006-07-27T17:04:00.000+02:00

still i am thinking that i am living in two places at once. now i know that i stepped on a plane. i traveled quite a few hours and very uncomfortably behind this lady with the evil eye who pinched my toe. i got off the plane on another continent altogether. and as far as i know i haven't left this here continent. and yet, all that separates me between my old and my new world (which is really my

thumbelina

2006-07-10T14:55:00.000+02:00

the moon looked likea freakin' starthen herbie drove byyou knowmoishe sucks her thumbwhen she makes lovetoi

enthropy

2006-06-27T21:20:00.000+02:00

okay okay, i'm going insane listening to the same "unkle" song over and over. it starts with "god knows your lonely souls" and somewhere in the middle he sings "i'm gonna die in a space that don't hold my name"... yeah, i find this inspiring. thinking of the day i'm gonna die, cause that will happen, you know. it really isn't living when you ignore that fact. i don't really know what it does for

le petit

2006-06-12T12:06:00.000+02:00

the wisdom of the renard is that "tu deviens responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoise." you are forever responsible for the one you've tamed. and in my heart i always knew this. no matter what everybody said. "you are only responsible for yourself" or "everyone's responsible for their own happiness"... nice comforting words to absolve me from my sins. they are not sins, i know. and

other people

2006-05-24T17:28:00.000+02:00

why o why am i so sadhave i done something badhave i shown my true face more than once this lifetime?did i miss it when it happened?i wanna see what other people seeand not think so goddamn muchyou and i are actors in an endless playlife's the stagethat will not be able to make either of us staycount to threeand then we'll jumpinto morning into evening into nevernevermorgenland

fishing for compliments

2006-05-23T13:11:00.000+02:00

.flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }.flickr-yourcomment { }.flickr-frame { text-align: left; padding: 3px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; } in obscurity, originally uploaded by marinkel. why is it that i still wait for daddy's approval? especially when he has only ever complained when i am not doing something. when i do, he never notices or hopes i will finish

on the go

2006-05-04T14:06:00.000+02:00

today i will take the tram cause i have shopping to do. since yesterday i walked and got me some blisters under my feet. but it was the warmest day yet, it is may after all. and i had to place an order for printing pictures in french. so i needed to walk up some courage. it's down the long tree-lined avenue, across the old bridge, along rue royale, a gauche on rue de something and then a droite

wolves

2006-05-01T11:33:00.000+02:00

the worst are the wolves in sheep's clothing. the nice face that hides the hideous soul. the ugliness it is capable of. and as often as you look at it and wanna see what's behind it, you are blinded by the soft filters working to deceive you. the filters you invented yourself to make believe that life is wonderful. when i was sixteen or fifteen my father wanted to kill me. he said so. what makes

two little coincidences

2006-04-23T11:01:00.000+02:00

i made this picture yesterday of myself (hein hein) and cut it into pieces and then pasted it back together again. i called it "all cut up". it had been a couple of days on edge. a cold making bad mood. a jealousy creating silences. at the hardware store i wanted to cry at his impatience while i was gazing at the different shades of cream. when something shattered onto the kitchen floor i heard

red velvet

2006-04-20T12:41:00.000+02:00

.flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }.flickr-yourcomment { }.flickr-frame { text-align: left; padding: 3px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; } red velvet, originally uploaded by marinkel. i used to have this puppet theater and put on shows for my sisters, cousins and friends. i could make everyone laugh. sometimes i would just make silly faces sticking my head

dedication

2006-04-13T13:32:00.000+02:00

.flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }.flickr-yourcomment { }.flickr-frame { text-align: left; padding: 3px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; } dedication, originally uploaded by marinkel. the first time i came to this place was in 1988 when it was still a mental hospital. my friend kurt who was fascinated by the sixth dimension and abandoned gardens in hollywood

hands

2006-03-12T11:16:00.000+01:00

What do an artist, a train and an ex-girlfriend have in common? Nothing, except they are bugging my mind. I guess you always need something to chew on when you can’t sleep at night. Or is it that this is what keeps me up at night in the first place? I wake up and I can’t remember my dreams. Only the phantoms. The silhouettes and the outlines of shadows and light. A kaleidoscope of colors. When

faux pas

2006-03-09T19:38:00.000+01:00

when on msn, never talk to more than three people at once while trying to get dressed and clean the dishes and put on your makeup. but then maybe you can do all these things. they say women are great at multi-tasking. well, i ain't. so i wrote the wrong person the wrong thing. and that's just not right. so maybe i should just crawl into a hole and die.

oscar

2006-02-23T13:43:00.000+01:00

omg, it's thursday and there are so many things on my list today. first, get warm feet. i always forget to put on socks because i have recently realized that i have a problem with socks. i won't wear just any kind of socks. even when i'm by myself. if they are ugly they will not touch my feet. yes, this is a sign of insanity. so what? bite me. bite my toes. bite my ass. don't care.oh yes, this is

overhaul

2006-02-14T14:25:00.000+01:00

i have no idea why you cannot comment. hopefully this problem will be solved shortly. but that reminds me i promised a new post about driving and directions. since friend kathleen brought up the ridiculous rumor about women being bad at reading maps... well. here it goes. it all began with mapquest. i had heard about mapquest not always being right. but i trusted it anyways when i drove over to

i pray for love

2006-01-09T17:11:00.000+01:00

and that i learn to love and be loved. i am going to germany this week. on the train again. try not to lose my button, my head, my mind. because my heart is here. can you travel without a heart? apparently so. the train ticket is in the box. i shall visit with my dad. he is feeling so down. his cancer keeps eating away at his body. his guilt is eating away at his soul. thinks that he has lived

such a shame

2006-01-02T15:34:00.000+01:00

when a boy sends you the words of a band you love and that he hates only to tell you he loves you. that he is sorry. to ask you to come back to him. that means something. something that i cannot get out of my head. something that makes me endlessly sad to know that things are over. that things happen between people that cannot be undone. but that these are things that didn't have to happen. but

cobble-stoned on buses

2005-12-30T17:00:00.000+01:00

i forgot about this part: slipping and sliding in the snow that's melting into slush on the sidewalks. with boots that have not an inkling of traction. this morning i woke up to a whirlwind of snowflakes. finally. i missed christmas in germany and thus the few inches of snow and the winter walk. instead i walked the cobblestoned streets of an ancient northern town. a beautiful town. with nice

du

2005-12-29T20:24:00.000+01:00

smiling a lot these days. this is how i feel at this moment, receiving your message. wish i had a glass of that kir to celebrate... i learned about sepia, thanks to you. so i've created a few pictures that way, but unfortunately these will only save as pdf files. arrrgghhh! and these of course will not upload on photobucket. one step forward, two steps back. all i can think about are two things:

denta claus

2005-12-23T12:46:00.000+01:00

i can never decide if i like color better or black and white. i like both so i post both. this was taken yesterday before my love had his tooth pulled. he looks worried. i'm laughing. how mean. now it's christmas and i have to run out into the fog to buy some presents. oh yes, i am one of those frantic last minute shoppers. shame on me. this is how i lose sleep...

just for you

2005-12-19T19:17:00.000+01:00

i have the feeling no one ever reads this blog. not that i care. i don't read this blog. i write on three different blogs now. then there's all this going around leaving comments. so i'm busy with this blogging thing. like spreading myself all over the web. my pics as well. so here is another one. i ran out of space on flickr until january. this i would have posted. and i have more. and i need to

spotlight

2005-12-12T14:33:00.000+01:00

"Beauty is desired in order that it may be befouled; not for its own sake, but for the joy brought by the certainty of profaning it." Georges Bataillethis reminds me of a movie that my friend andrei adores. monica bellucci is raped and severely beaten in a dirty hallway on the way to the subway. her exquisite beauty is destroyed by the hands of her rapist. her face rendered a bloody pulp. i

i'm a woman

2005-12-08T11:13:00.000+01:00

FeminineYou scored 46 masculinity and 53 femininity! You scored high on femininity and low on masculinity. You have a traditionally feminine personality. My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:You scored higher than 18% on masculinityYou scored higher than 29% on femininityLink: The Bem Sex Role Inventory Test written by weirdscience on OkCupid Free

hurting / healing

2005-12-07T16:34:00.000+01:00

why do we hurt each other in this way and that? like we need it to live. addicted to pain. setting traps as if we were in canada. digression. indiscretion. exposure. need to feel the deep lacerations of your fingernails. so we let it. inflict. like putting our mouths to the tail pipe to have sweet dreams.why are we healing each other in more ways than i thought possible? because this is new. the

kissing the mirror

2005-12-02T11:25:00.000+01:00

now i know i am a narcissist. but that does not equal self-love, does it. this personality trait sabotages the moments of utter self-worship with times of utter despair and self-loathing. a recipe of extremes, an over-compensation of a lack that is intangible, unnameable. a mechanism that will self-destruct. only hear what i wanna hear, like the echos in the night.this has a history. in my

is how i feel

2005-12-01T15:40:00.000+01:00

.flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }.flickr-yourcomment { }.flickr-frame { text-align: left; padding: 3px; }.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; } The Kiss, Austin 1993, originally uploaded by Liberation30. wanting to kissbeneath the flowering of winter blossomsdancing tightrope without safetyfalling fallinginto youdepth of darknessswallow usbind usspeaking with the

wege zu dir

2005-11-30T16:52:00.000+01:00

is jumping intoo soon?is writing abouttoo unreal?a touch a look a spoken wordand body gesturedo these rule over our virtual world?i thinkwe are longing for our telepathic pastwhen we had no need for nearnessto be able to send messagesthrough the unconscious mistcrystalizing into consciousnessreaching uswhereever wheneveri see youyou pull on my heartstringslike the string around your fingerso many

troubling sounds and sights, toujours

2005-11-28T20:04:00.000+01:00

so i am making friends in the building i live in. cause i am walking in my kick ass boots. toujours, she says, my neighbor that is. the neighbor whose baby screams like it's being stabbed with needles at two in the morning. i could swear she brings home random children and sacrifices them to some forgotten deities. not kind gods. evil ones. with bloody altars and rusty knives.as i am walking down

bite me

2005-11-27T19:41:00.000+01:00

oh bite mei suck at photoshopcause it's not photoshop at allstill,now i have fangslike i've always wantedjust like bela

cake like that

2005-11-26T14:46:00.000+01:00

baking a cake has never been so much fun. this was after the friend who makes me feel uneasy left. uneasy friend. nice friend singing songs from the white album. "everyone's got something to hide except me and my monkey..." and that's the crux: he asks direct questions and i am one to wanting to remain silent and private. this old trust issue... and then he is an aries, and me and aries are

on a bed of roses i lay

2005-11-25T12:53:00.000+01:00

my love brings me flowersmy love kisses me softlyand the world disappears behind his gazehis velvet hands melt away my obstinanceand i watch him in his sleepthe rapid eye chasing an invisible dreamand i sometimes feelundeserving of his lovewe drove hundreds of milesfingers dancing, shylywe walked the russian steppesstalking our preyentered the secret gatewhere illusions become realchildren of an

lies

2005-11-24T17:28:00.000+01:00

have i been living a lie?trust is but a worddon't feel it insidedoes anyone get me?i have antisocial tendencieshigh on the listof all kinds of dysfunctionsnow who can tell mewhat is real?would i believe youanyway?

curioser, curioser

2005-11-22T13:22:00.000+01:00

coincidently, as my friend kathleen made her way through the drive-in at in-n-out to purchase and devour a cheeseburger before making love to the harry potter boy (in her dreams...) i was chatting with my chéri about the exact same thing, cause he too is a harry potter fan. what is the meaning of all this? pay attention: i own a blue key and my brother put it on the table in front of me. someone

en hiver, suddenly

2005-11-21T16:56:00.000+01:00

there was ice on the grassthis morningwhite instead of blades of greenfrostthey call it, i thinkand slates of frozen waterin the old tin tuboutside the sliding doorwinter camewithout knockingand still i need a russian fur hatand a shawl made of cashmerehere in kashmirwe tell liesfrom beneath the ice

eine stunde in berlin

2005-11-19T14:51:00.000+01:00

i spent an hour in berlin all because of the buttons on this my new coat. nice, no? can you guess the story?what a night i spent on the train starting from gare du nord, paris. had to put up with a chinese family chattering and a nerdy bitch reading her harry potter way past midnight. no, do not turn off the extremely bright light that burns holes into everyone's tired skulls, because i am

blog crazy

2005-11-17T12:09:00.000+01:00

aaaarrrrgghhhh! how many blogs can i have? and i want more, more, more....thinking of possible screen names i came up with caged, raven's claws, mondsucht, wonderland. there's no end to the possibilities. but then, don't you always get stuck with what you're used to? a name is like the toilet paper you pick up in the public restroom that you just can't shake... i'm so in love!